attraction to fear

I just remembered something from primary school. I tend to block everything out, but this one suddenly flooded back to me - I can't remember the train of thought I was on that led me there, though... Hmm. Anyway.

There was this older girl, I think she was in year 6 while I was in year 3. One time I think I peed myself, it stained my uniform, and I went to the bathroom to sit in there and wait. Dry it off.

That girl was there, though. She wanted to know why I was there. I probably said that I was going to the toilet. I was in the bathrooms, after all.

She noticed that my dress was wet and I made up some quick story about me not able to fix the bubblers right, and it sprayed up, and in my panic I turned away and it got the back of my dress wet.

I thought it was pretty smart, pretty believable. But she took me to a teacher and I told him the story and he was doubtful, I could see it in his eyes. Told me to go get changed in the office anyway.

That girl wanted to check, though. She took me outside the library and bent me over against the wall and lifted up my dress, I remember hearing her sniff, her face was really close to it. Maybe she'd touched it, maybe it was just her breath; I couldn't tell. I didn't realise until today, until right now, how afraid that makes me!

I didn't think much of it when I was actually experiencing it - I mean, I knew it was weird, but what bad could come out of it? I'd just kick her and leave, you know? I wasn't afraid at all, didn't even think of those things.

But now I think of that gross girl with her hairy arms looking at my piss-wet underwear, my bare self, and I want to curl up and scrape her away.

Maybe that's why I fantasise about masculine women now. I mean. I don't have a piss kink;; not yet, at least.

There was also that time I saw a girl going to the bathroom; I wonder, if I'd never experienced these things, would I still be attracted to who I am today? I have sick, stupid fantasies about my two closest friends. They're both very different, but one is tall and comforting and she has eyes like amber, her hands are large and tan, soft skin, hourglass shape, she's so protective of me. I look at someone else and she wants to know who they are, what they're doing. I think it's a joke, but my inner horny teenager takes it and stores it in my brain and my heart to get off to later.

The other one has a large chest and cool hair and she's so funny; once I said, to make her laugh, "We should have an indirect kiss," and she did laugh, she said, "Ooo, you wanna kiss me? That's so cute," and I felt myself flushing bright red against my will! That was so attractive! Yet I still feel disgusted at the thought of putting my lips to any of them. I thought that maybe I just want to see them naked. Have the taller one embrace me forever. I'd be in a relationship with her; it would be so unhealthy. But comforting.

Anyway.

Oh my god. Even writing that out made me feel guilty.

I should go watch straight porn or something. Get a pretty dick in my mind instead of people at school.

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