ideas n thoughts n rants

what the title says.

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it has come to my attention that people will wear headphones but not listen to music?? how?? why??? what's the point,,,

below is something i wanted to get down lol. when i'm feeling particularly frightened/anxious this thing has started where i imagine scenarios of comfort in obscene detail and i don't know if i like it or not. sometimes it's nice and comforting but it's in a weird way... they do disgusting things to me and show me people getting their chests split open but it's not me and i'm safe.

While I was walking to school this morning I smelled the air and it hadn't got a smell; it was simply cold. I felt it touching my lungs and it made me wanna puke but I had to hold it in, though I thought that maybe if I threw up I wouldn't have to go. Anyway. As I swept my tongue around in my mouth, seeing if it would maybe warm it up, I thought I tasted yoghurt, and a sickening peach colour filled my vision.

Then my head was being tilted back, the cold air pressing hard on the underside of my jaw; it was spooning me mouthfuls of white liquid, of peach yoghurt, and it murmured, "You'll be okay, it's just a little cold," and my heart warmed, even though my neck ached slightly but the yoghurt kept coming. I never got the chance to swallow its comfort.

And suddenly it was gone. I was back on the footpath, the air was still tingling in my lungs, and I had to cross the road.

That's a simple task. I do it every morning and afternoon without fail. I crossed that road and I thought, I haven't failed yet, at least. Not yet.

So I continued. My mind kept going back to yoghurt and cars and then I looked up and saw something coming my way - is it a woman? I hoped it was a woman. If I see a traditionally male figure I begin to worry that I may never see anything else. Female figures comfort me.

I checked to see if it had breasts, but I needed my glasses and they were in my bag, so I decided to wait until it got a bit closer. Please be a woman.

Then I was suddenly knocked to the side - I whirled around and around right on the spot and everything became a dizzy blur, then I landed back in place, facing forward. I was still walking. I had just passed the figure, and they felt like any other human in the world.

Even so, I looked back slightly to see if they had maybe caused me to whirl around like a human spinning top but they were themselves; their hands were in their pockets and they did not give me a second glance.

Their hands were in their pockets.

What if they had a knife in there? What if there was an animal in their hands, dead and pus-y and flesh bare? Could they have strangled me? Maybe it was a supernatural power? I knew it, God, I knew it, I was cursed, this was it, this was my demon. My soul was about to leave me. This was either my demon or my saviour and I didn't want to risk giving my love to them through the air so I gave them nothing.

I kept walking, though fear began to surge through my veins.

I wanted to tear their hands off. Chop each finger up and maybe even bite into them and see what it felt like because I could never bite into my own; I would punish them for making me this way. It felt like my eyes were glowing, glaring, bright red and pulsing in the shadows. I felt terrible, like I was a stupid, shameful piece of flesh and excuse of a human being. I'm a fraud and I should get rid of something, something that will make me forget, but something that will not cause hurt - I should get rid of them.

But I kept walking.

Murder was illegal, but if I explained to the judges that that person was the one who had cursed me, that they were about to steal my soul and humanity and give me yoghurt like it was comfort, which it was; they would let me off. Yes. It seemed reasonable. They would believe me. They would feel sorry for me, and they would believe me.

People never usually believed me. Well. I stopped telling them about my thoughts because they were not weird or interesting and if they were, it was not in a good way, and they seemed wrong, and it felt wrong to tell these people who were also wrong.

Maybe one day I'll find something that feels right.

Then I was crossing another road; the one across from the train station; it was cold and I wanted the yoghurt again, even though I hate yoghurt.

it's so weird how your heart is beating all the time... every time i look at someone i think, "that is just a body" even though i can see their colours inside but i like to see things like that. everyone is simply just a heart and lungs, it's trying to stay alive, just for your brain, for you, because without you you wouldn't have a body.

i just remembered that vampire story i wrote in july last year, i think i mentioned it a few entries ago,,, only got three chapters in and i loved the story, i loved the characters, though i think i was more telling it to myself than presenting it in an engaging way. that's okay, though. i wrote the next chapter of it last night even though i have no idea where it's going to go at all - i think it's just becoming another emotional support story. and i haven't read anything in weeks, so my writing still sucks but hopefully i can reread the mysterious stranger or sumthin new soon,,,

the banana fish ed is geting me in my feels or whatever fuckkkk

though i guess it was better for him in a way. we're watching him fight for his life, learning about his past, and in the end he is finally set free. fjdkwjska cri


okay okay i gotta change the bg images of the index n stuff,,, hiroshi yoshida artworks, work out how to do stuff -

i wanna love something. i think that's what i'm in the mood for - but i don't see anything worth loving right now. i'm grateful, sure, but where's a good manga? i'm gonna go hunting for something to blush over, brb

ganyu has a vyer pretty hair colour... ganyu is v prett, ganyu.. gan,,, yu,,,

i just started listening to nirvana again and goddammit i forgot how calm and just... vibe-y their whole aura was. comfort,,

holy moly idea time boiz - in my wattpad drafts there's this fuckin tense-ass story i wrote in like july last year and fuck. there was this 16 y.o vampire and a young welshman who had trained as a soldier, and idk man. it was so oddly erotic? it was meant to be romantic but the scenes when rafael would drink from cadwored's neck fuckfuckfukc hot. i mean the writing was fuckin terrible but the scene itself... *melts*

SHOULD I PUT IT ON HERE??? wait i kinda want to. idk. i might...

wladjnvcladn i want to go to the outback and bring my clarinet so i can sit on this chair in the middle of the desert, in complete isolation, and play some comedically sad tune, like one of those old men who tell folk tales to no one in particular but for their own sanity. that sounds nice. but then there's the driving there and the dodgy hotels and the leaving my fav family member at home by themselves. damn.

ah i was never really into shopping for specific clothing items,, but there are two shirts i wanna get - either the modest mouse one or the evangelion one. fuckkkk i want both but i'm too embarrassed to tell my parents. well, i wouldn't be embarrassed, i guess i'd just feel incredibly guilty for wanting shirts when i already have two intact ones to wear. ah well. i'll see, cause i want 'em, dammit.

the fuckin tanaka-kun is listless ed is a fuckin bop damn

the world, the real world, the world that humanity lives in, is built on compassion. maybe it isn't, but it's an awesome thought. belief is an incredible thing.

oh! i just had another thought about kaworu and shinji! the scene in 3.0 when shinji invites kaworu to see the stars, and he ends up saying how calming it is to just look up at them and remember how vast it is; how miniscule we all are - kaworu does not see the stars! when he looks up at the night sky in which shinji's eyes are lost, kaworu sees shinji. he does not just see stars. he sees shinji's love, his deepest desire, the thing that brings him comfort, and as he sees this he is so enthralled he comes to the conclusion that his only purpose on earth is to meet shinji. i wish they were real, i wish i could meet someone like kaworu, but alas - those people are very rare. and i would feel terribly guilty for taking one of those incredible people and corrupting them with my selfish, stupid soul.

very unrelated but i was eating bread today and for some reason it tasted like cake. whenever i imagine something tasting different it starts to - maybe that's why i can stand eating food i don't really like. it's kind of a mind-over-matter thing, though i don't know if i'm using that correctly. hmm. anyway.

fear is my motivation. i stay home from school because i am scared; yet i do my schoolwork because i am scared. i say hi to people because i am scared and i say bye to people because i am scared. i’m just a big fraud.

it's the last day of summer, finally, finally. everything will become cold again, and there will be more nighttime, and people will have less energy so i will be able to have more fun. goodbye, summer, have fun visiting another part of the world where some people might be able to appreciate you.

also - february 23rd! february 23rd, that was the date that started it all! os and nayn came to life on that day, and even though os was called roz it was still over a year ago and for that i should put a bunch of exclamation points!!!!!! anyway.

is this what a spider feels like? creeping around silently, and when people turn their head and notice it they scream and try to kill it? would they all try to kill me, too, if i was not a human like them?

i really love azrael on yt. i love his gameplays with tara and others and even by himself and he's just so chill and he seems like he's having such a good time playing idv and just... comfort...

watching alex meyers diss the horrorfest that is 365 days rn - also, i have been thirsting over andrew's cheese skin from identity v ever since it came out; i just have to explain how pissed i am that i have not gotten it yet. maybe it's because i don't even play andrew - but i did get a good tier mercenary skin, and i never play naib at all, so that theory is ruled out. the cheese skin is so pretty. look at this 40 y.o, vulgar-ass, morally grey grave keeper in a skin called "cheese" that makes him look like the cutest thing on earth:

hnnggh pleeaase netease very pretty please with a little cake on top

this is a very lovely artwork, to me

i like how he sings, haunted by your soul instead of naming physical features. i mean, i don't really mind what he says, but i just think that's another reason i like the song.

just found out about gokurakugai sanbandori no ken!! it's only a oneshot, but goddammit is it the best oneshot i've read by far. just - sister tao in this pic:

*melts* yes ma'am, i'm the biggest pervert in existence - the ways i want to act under her gaze are reminiscent of a horny anime succubus but let's not get into that -