m u s i c !

I love all the lyrics to this song, and the passion, and the intended meaning. It is incredibly strong and I believe it should be one of Foster the People's most popular songs. But, as per usual, I'm going to highlight a few lyrics that I found some more meaning in for myself and talk about it.

For you and I, I will breathe in

All the truth I can stomach

If it keeps you alive

It's a bit embarrassing for me to admit, but I used to have a lot of anxiety around one of my favourite friends being more outgoing than me, even while making zero effort to be more outgoing myself. I loved hearing her stories about what she got up to on the weekend, the people she's met, etc., but some days I felt incredibly depressed and insecure, and would only think to myself, Does this mean that you don't like me, because I haven't done those fun things with you too? I wish you would stop seeing those friends and just see me. Am I not good enough? And generally just being really accusatory and cold and pushing her away. It was really terrible, not only for me (because obviously I didn't want to be feeling those things for someone I loved and who loved me), but for my friend, because (again, obviously) she wanted me to listen to her and support her and have a good time with her—not my insecurities. She's not saying these things to compare me to her other friends, or to put me down; she's sharing her story with me because clearly she thinks I'm worthy of hearing it. Why else would she be friends with me? So these lyrics I relate to, and I think it's a beautiful way of putting it—when I got a hold of my insecurities, I was putting my selfishness aside to listen and support someone I loved, because I wanted them to stay around, stay alive, and share their life with me. I will take in all the painful truths that I can stomach if it means you can be alive with me.

My worth doesn't depend on someone else wanting me—it depends on me wanting myself. Me making no effort at all to be like someone I was envious of, is because I didn't honestly want to be outgoing like her. I might've fantasised about being her, having her life and all her skills and knowledge and just being anything instead of this vacant, lonely, emotionally volatile thing that is so easily disposable to other people even when I work my ass off to be included in their lives—but that's just it. What I was really after was all the love and support that she got, without even having to work for it. Yes, she was outgoing and fun and playful and had all these good traits, but most importantly, she was always wanted everywhere she went. I didn't want to be outgoing like her—I wanted to be wanted like her. That's the core of it. And I don't really know what to do with that information besides want myself even harder.

I would break you

Before I let you

Fall into the blind

I love these lyrics too. It gives me the sense of a character who is like... If anyone's going to hurt you, it's going to be me, because at least you'll always have someone by your side instead of becoming completely lost in a world full of people who don't care about you the way I do.

Many, many Tori Amos songs will make it here in the future, I can guarantee that—but I've just been listening to her a lot more lately and this song in particular is just reminding me of something very important that I haven't quite figured out yet: people-pleasing and self-sacrifice is selfish. Maybe it's because I'm growing out of being a people-pleaser and realising how much better life feels when I have created evidence of my own competency and worth, but when I hear or see people talking about how hard it is being a people-pleaser, trying to make everyone happy, never sure if you're doing anything right or if people like you or if people are accepting you, I just want to grab their shoulders and shake them! Because feeling that way is never going to end well! Never! You don't have to feel like the weight of everyone's emotional wellbeing is on your shoulders, because it isn't, and you're silly for thinking that it is. Nobody is out here wanting to like you, or thinking that it's your job to please them. Only a very few selection of people will ever listen to you talk about something you love, or save you from an assault, and you think that if you tear yourself to pieces internally it will make all the others who wouldn't even look your way smile when they see you? What are you lacking? They're not even going to look at you! That isn't to say that these feelings are wrong in any way, because they are perfectly natural. Just that they usually invite the opposite to whatever outcome you are hoping for. It's a clear sign of doing something wrong.

And maybe you're like me—maybe you are after suffering, because you think that you're only worthy of love or existence in general once you've experienced pain. And one day you'll get it. The pain will feel great. You'll feel useful, and worthy, and sadistic people will love you because you've hurt yourself for them. But you will always be in pain. No matter how much love you get, it will always be laced with pain and unease and discomfort and horror and sadness and grief and disgust and helplessness until you just stop.

I think the stupidest thing you can do in your life is be a people-pleaser. It's not just unhealthy. It's frustratingly, horrifically stupid, the same way that drunk driving with a child in the car is stupid. But it's one of the hardest things to do to unlearn those habits.

I feel like this song, while of course it's describing the relieving feeling of letting your guard down, learning to trust people and to trust yourself, accepting that some people do love and care for you - it also shows that once you've been caught in that guarded, misanthropic mindset for so long, it can be hard to imagine that there is a middle-ground between staying that way or being the most naive, hopeful, head-in-the-clouds type of person. I think this is because when you are that skeptical person, you are more prone to judging other people and making up extreme, rigid categories for them - someone who might only express physical affection to their partner becomes in your mind someone who is physically affectionate with everyone, making them silly and unaware and inappropriate, when they could actually be just as cold as you sometimes. You just want an excuse to feel good about yourself and be better than the person you wish you were, so that you don't have to make the effort to become them. This lack of effort is also characteristic, I think, of skepticism. It's easy to disregard the nuances of something when you believe none of it has any meaning or truth.

Anyway, back to the two extremes. It's either fear and loathing and isolation, or floating on a cloud of euphoria and feeling like you're manically about to "touch the edge of greatness". This mania might also come about because you have never experienced that safety before, so it feels magical and unique; you end up feeling it ten times more than the average person because everything about it is new to you. It's childlike wonder and primal hesitancy. It shows that Electra Heart still has a long road ahead of her where she must swing between these extremes before the pendulum slows... and she ends up in the middle, perfectly balanced.

Another thing to note, and what I find what makes this song so sad, is that it sounds like a dream. The rhythm is soft and slow, her voice sounds mournful, there is a lot of humming in the background that sounds like an ancestral song of comfort, and there's an echo-y quality to it and the soundscape that gives me the feeling of being in an empty bathroom or pool room. Liminal, dream-like, wistful.

Tori Amos's music is both gentle and aggressive—the way she plays piano is metal and fiery, and her voice is shrill and operatic and beautiful; it is all just overflowing with passion. "Winter", particularly this performance of it, showcases her magnetic stage presence and every miniscule expression on her face as she sings and plays; you can see the song moving through her whole body, or maybe she is moving through the song. Her fingers are literally skating across the keys, and she makes every flurry of notes after each line sound like leaves fluttering in the breeze, or music in the end credits of a movie, signalling the changing of seasons despite her wanting to remain in winter.

I also find this song so perfect due to the way it continues with a theme from the Little Earthquakes album - looking back on moments from her life, or ways she used to be, and revisiting them now that she has changed and knows better. She just wants to go back for old times' sake, commemorate her past self and remember her blissful naivety while also being able to point out how absurd, silly and just sad some of it was. And the ironic thing is—it seems as if she's been grieving her younger self's inability to perform and create, despite always wanting to do it, and now she is using that very experience to make the beautiful, genius music she always wanted to make. Without struggle... there is no greatness.

Hair is grey and the fires are burning

So many dreams on the shelf

You say, "I wanted you to be proud of me"

I always wanted that myself

Those last two lines almost sound bitter when she sings them. Her voice swells with emotion, becomes almost teary and throaty like she's holding back a sob, but then she quiets down. It's as if her father's desire to make her proud of him, was putting pressure on her as well, because he was basing his esteem on how good of a parent he could be and she, being an adoring daughter, obviously wanted to make him believe that he was. But really all she wanted was to be proud of herself, not proud of him. She spent her entire life relying on her father's love to give her confidence, self-love, self-esteem—but now she is realising that that was more about uplifting him than her, and now that he's gone, all she's left with is a cold, empty void in her heart, and no clue how to love herself, because he never taught her that. "All the white horses have gone ahead," signals this perfectly. All her hope has departed, winter is fading, and she is left desperately trying to catch up to her peers who all appear to feel the self-love and sense of identity that she is just absolutely lost by.

Happiest song in the world. Even when nothing is going right.

Oh, I want life

Life wants me

To breathe in its love

This song is like ear cocaine. I've always known what this song was about - it's pretty hard to misinterpret, XD. but even despite the meaning, this singer's voice is beautiful and the song flows so well; it's structured almost too perfectly. Usually there is some element of struggle or tension in the music I listen to... not this one. This is purely for an artificial kick of happiness.

For the majority of my teen years, I was obsessed with this song. One listen to the lyrics, "Desire me so deeply / Drain and kick me hard / Whisper secrets for me / Try to go too far" had me absolutely melting every time it came on, giving any excuse to shut the world out so I could fully experience it over and over again. The beat of this song, especially after the 3-minute mark, goes from a rhythm that sounds like constant reaching or grasping at something far away (it sounds, along with his voice, like broken radio static; looking for a signal to be heard with), to what sounds like a heartbeat. A pulse. Two drum beats, one a little weaker than the other, like, ba-dum, ba-dum. It just awakens every bit of passion inside me. It's like the singer has come back to life, and reclaimed their spot with the other person. They made it.

I also find that this song is very fitting for a long-distance relationship, or when (like I was) you find yourself stranded in another country, with no friends, no supportive family, silently begging that your friends back at home will save your place in their life and not forget you.

Today's gonna feel like tomorrow, someday

Tomorrow's gonna feel like yesterday

(This world is opening up)

(This world is opening up)

Today's gonna feel like tomorrow, someday

Tomorrow's gonna feel like yesterday

I originally had this song saved in Franny's playlist because it seemed like the model song for his backstory. In general, it was too perfect to ignore - I mean, a song called Mother, My Body Disgusts Me that begins with the line, "Mother, don't come near me"? Perfect. It's as if he has realised that his mother was the source of his pain, and has gained freedom from knowing that he isn't truly, inherently disgusting - it was all an illusion! An illusion that she caused! But since the feelings still linger in his body since they have been running through it for so long, he utilises this newfound freedom to be a filthy pervert because all he knows is how to operate under that illusion. And there is no end, no comfort... just darkness, contempt, and disgust. "I need my greed, Mother" (I rely on the filth you've made me feel), "I need your dirty hands on me" (all I can do now is want it, because it is never going away).

The repetition is what really calms me about this song, second to the lyrics. Every strum of the guitar reminds you that the pain you're hearing now is what has already been and always will be embedded in your body, no matter where you are in life now. The shame of it steadily creeps forward with time and only fades away when you're temporarily well enough to ignore it, and then it hits you again with that dreadful noise of the guitar. It feels like a morbid sort of welcome.

Of course "Mother" could refer to many things. But as someone who has a bit of problems regarding their literal mother, it hits me just right. It is the perfect expression of pain and self-disgust. Needing and craving the exact thing that hurt you, and hating yourself for that. "I hate my greed, Mother," "Mother, you disgust me."

This is not filth - this song is almost perfectly describing what love is.

There are a lot of Mother Mother songs that could go on this list. But I just like this verse because it's relatable.

All my life, oh, all my life

I hurt myself, and cut myself

Put myself through living hell

All so I could feel, what I felt

When you took me in, absolved my sins

With your flesh and skin, use your skin...

It is also relatable to me because I am the type of person who inwardly views everything as a competition and cannot rest until whatever suffering this competition puts me through has made me pure again. I don't even have to win or do a good job necessarily, I just have to have experienced it for myself. It's like I've got a fire inside of me - when I become so obsessed with its beauty and passion and unleash it, I burn myself and sometimes I burn others, but if I just focus it on the right spot—on a campfire or a cold dark fireplace with people sitting around waiting for warmth—it can do something great. However, the burning is also necessary. I'm so much happier when I become enraptured by the flames and cause myself problems, make bad decisions, than when I put a lid on it and wait for something else to make my life begin. I think burning myself is a constant, desperate act to prevent myself from becoming lost in the dark. At the slightest indication that my flame will be lost, I need to strengthen it in any way possible, even if that means hurting myself.

To add to the metaphor... When I'm in the dark, my solution is often to just set my surroundings on fire and deal with the damage later. It's only with people I love that I can let this feeling go, because I know that they either don't care if I'm "good enough" or will push me to use that fire in a safe and healthy way.

One of the best decisions I ever made in my life was googling "songs where vocalist cries real". It led me to Glassjaw, Foxing, Christian Death... and this song! It is rare to hear a vocalist refer to a "daddy" or "mommy" in their music, especially in a non-sexual way, but when it happens, it is amazing!!! Those wails, guttural sobs and the sound of the singer sucking saliva through his teeth, plus that one, "Daddy, I don't wanna be sick and disgusting!" I just can't get enough of that.

This song I enjoy because it sounds like they are making the guitar throw up. It is a disgusting song.

My world is unaffected

There is an exit here

I say it is and it's true

...

I went to God just to see

And I was looking at me, yeah

Saw Heaven and Hell were lies

When I'm God, everyone dies!

I repeat that first pre-chorus a lot when I need to feel peace. My world is unaffected. Your beliefs are yours; mine are mine. What I believe is not useless.

I was in love with this song from the first time I heard it—like every Depeche Mode song that comes into my life. The lyrics are almost childishly simplistic and Gahan's monotone voice in this song makes it hard to tell his mood—whether he's angry, disappointed, desperate, numb, sad, etc. But I find DM's simple lyrics incredibly charming and accessible. They're so basic that they tap into the barest parts of humanity and its desires. Also, I know this song is canonically about drugs—but I love to interpret it in terms of people letting each other down. If I was told, "Never let me down again," I'd be so stricken, frightened and ashamed, and snap into obedience, but I'd definitely be at least partly in awe.

I really want to talk about the point after the second chorus, when the synth begins to sound more "grand" and final as it increases in volume. Just before Martin Gore's vocals come in and Gahan is repeating "never let me down", it's like he's stuck in this disbelieving loop of you let me down, you let me down, neither of us can get over this and this is the end. However, the omission of "again" makes it feel like he's still trying to maintain that he hasn't been let down yet, he can still give the other person one more chance by telling them to never disappoint him—but the music video shows him literally stumbling and falling down. They have let him down. Or maybe he has let himself down, and is finally realising that he can't keep punishing the people he's with by expecting them to be perfect and keep him happy all the time. Because having someone expect something impossible of you is a punishment in itself... it shows they don't know you, or that they don't care to know you. A quick side note on what I wrote there: I believe that this idea is why I find the most "power" you can have over someone is through imagining them doing things that maybe they haven't even imagined themselves doing. The imagination is like the greatest source of power, because it is limitless. And secret. Meaning you can get away with anything so long as it is kept in your imagination.

The half-step in the "grand finale" section is also extremely potent, it feels like he is tripping over his memories with this person and coming up with positive, happy experiences, reasons why he should stay—but then the longer, darker drags of the synth are continually trying to bring him back down to reality.

I also love how Gore's lines are about the stars and the night—just deepens this sense that it's time to rest from his period of being high all the time. It is nighttime, this is his rest, this is it; he's done.

I know that Imagine Dragons are like, a joke now... but this song is not a joke and it makes me cry every time I hear it.

If I told you what I was, would you turn your back on me?

And if I seemed dangerous, would you be scared?

I get the feeling just because, everything I touch isn't dark enough

If this problem lies in me...

"Cross your fingers cause you might be my type."

I really like the sarcasm in this line, intentional or not. You've caught the attention of a sadist!! Which means you are gonna be taunted, teased and used all as a form of love, you pitiful thing.

I hope I should be so lucky...

Maybe it's ironic (and kind of silly, because why does me loving myself require full-fledged vanity?), but this song does help me remember to love myself. I heard the line "I'm the one who makes me so happy, and I want me all just for myself" and it hit me! Yes, I may hate myself a lot, but I'm also the only one who can make me happy. Nobody else's love has ever compared to those moments when all the love and attention I have to give, is given to myself. It's like I become emotionally invincible. I enjoy learning about myself, and getting along with myself, and leaving other people to be with myself. I want me in my life.

I have a theory that it's because I'm the only one who understands the full extent of my worthlessness, so I know I can trust myself when I find something beautiful about me. Everyone else has been blinded by this manipulation that just seems to be a feature of my existence, so of course I can't believe them when they say I'm nice or pretty or smart. They're under this ugly spell that I can't turn off, and none of them are able to look past it. But that's okay. Because I know what it's like to not be under that spell; I always will. When I leave people, I gain something - I gain my love. When I stay with people... I lose it.

These people are weird in here

And they're giving me the fear

Just because you know my name, doesn't mean you know my game

I look myself in the face and whisper, "I'm in the wrong place"

Is there more to lose than gain, if I go on my own again?