m u s i c !

I was listening to "Gutter" recently and the line "see the carvings on their arms" made me feel weird. It's the only song I've ever heard that mentions self-harm (the cutting form specifically) with the intention to de-stigmatise it and to make people feel empathy for those do it. Usually songs that mention cutting are like "I wanna slit my wrists and play in it cuz I'm into that" (BMTH reference. I love that song and that band sm) or "I'll cut myself because I'm disgusting and that's what disgusting people do and also my parents don't listen to me". So it's... nice? in a way, to hear that sort of change happening.

But I think this is a theme with Melanie's art. In a similar way to how Marilyn Manson was the Antichrist Superstar, the spokesperson of the anti-people who was brave enough to sing about all the evilness of humanity, Melanie wants to be the spokesperson for insecure, lonely, traumatised, vulnerable people. But while Manson operated from anger and insecurity and physically tried to make himself seem more emotionally intense than he was in order to elicit the intended audience response, Melanie operates from a desire to be connected spiritually to everyone on earth—it's not necessarily acting based on the anger she feels for these problems, but it's as if she will have these huge emotions anyway, so she found it better to use them for a good cause. Thinking about it this way, listening to this new album just seems like a personal passion project to feed off of as many insecurities as possible so she can say, once again, "I understand you, you're perfect the way you are, I feel the same way, do you see how I can save you from your loneliness?" but has forced herself to disguise it as a social political thing so that people don't view it as out-of-touch or narcissistic.

Another thing I think is that Hades is really good as far as concept albums go. It takes the dystopia theme and explores many different elements of what makes this world dystopian. Through this mechanical type of pop/grunge style, she tackles the ever-growing swarm of manipulative men, corrupt governments, selfish billionaires, how the beauty standard has changed from just "don't be ugly" to basically being a perfect mannequin, and how poor, marginalised communities don't just get swept under the rug, but actively demonised. These are all symptoms of a dystopian world and I can really feel all of the songs on the album because she has basically sucked up all the negative energy of these song's topics so she can feel them and portray them correctly. The only thing I think she doesn't do so well is marketing. She introduced this album with a new character, Circle, and I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that 99% of her fans were expecting this album to revolve around Circle, in a similar way to how Cry Baby got songs about her and her life. It was a similar thing with Portals and K-12. Her characters are introduced along with a theme—in fact, I think that the characters are the introduction of the theme—but are never brought up again when the album actually comes out. The songs have nothing to do with the character and are all Melanie's thoughts/feelings, and sometimes they don't even really fit with the advertised theme of the album.

I'm just not sure why she would advertise her music this way. I understand that Cry Baby was probably the most "Melanie" type character, so maybe she found it much easier to sing from her perspective, and that the Portals spirit was straying a bit, so we got a few songs that were slightly out of place. But Circle is not Melanie. Circle is the anti-Melanie. Going back to the Manson comparison—he embraced his status as becoming anti-himself, in order to please the people and call out these issues. In fact, a big thing with Manson's anti-character was that he realised what a hypocrite he'd be if he said he hated the world but didn't hate himself, so he included himself when singing about how the world is filled with shitty people. But Melanie has no purpose to being anti-herself because she wants to pour her emotions and empathy onto everybody and believe that she is a saviour for all those vulnerable people out there. She wants people to love her, not Circle, so she basically just introduced Circle to represent who she was singing for, as well as to introduce what she was singing against. So I just think that this album is inherently contradictory, and while I understand that her motive must be to shed light on taboo topics, I don't believe it was advertised very accurately and this is where a lot of Hades' backlash is not exactly warranted but understandable.

And that's all I really have to say. I am a fan of Melanie's music. I love it. I am just neutral towards Melanie herself.

But my sweet, you don't need my eyes

Come away and just say you'll love me

Just say you'll love me, alone

I'm seeing Interpol live really soon, and I'm so fucking excited. This song came back up in my playlist lately; it made me remember that time I was whisked away to another country and one of the ways I found comfort was by finding small things, like a person wearing a backwards baseball cap, and thinking to myself, That's all the rage back home. Made me feel familiar with both home and this strange new place. That phrase's meaning eventually shifted for me though, and came to mean, This thought I'm thinking right now—that came from all the rage I felt back home. I don't really have a "home" in the figurative sense. But it went from making me feel connected to helping me push myself away from my unhealthy household.

And I cannot mention an Interpol song here without swooning over Paul Banks' voice. It's harsh but gentle at the same time; nasally, but calming. It sort feels like slowly sinking into a pool... and just floating down there in the water... Or something nice like that. And it's romantic. Even when he's singing very loudly and intensely, it's still so sweet!

Self-Realisation Saturday is happening for the first time this Wednesday—and it's been brought on by a song about (superficially) having a fetish for military uniforms. My realisation is not this. My realisation comes from the lyric "forget about the second day". It's such a small thing, but I've never really liked lyrics that contain anything along the lines of "forget about the future," "forget about the past," "just focus on the now," etc. And it's because it's the opposite of how I operate. Whenever I drink or do a sex thing or engage in other feel-good activites, it's to forget about what is currently happening in my life and get a feeling of hope for the future, or develop some love for my past. It's because I fucking hate what's happening now, I'm worrying about everything now, and I want to be a different person with a different perspective of it. Why the hell would I want to focus on the "now"? Why would you want me to feel it?

And that's my realisation. Also, Spontanverkehr. Holy shit, listen.

I don't have much to say about this song except that the vocals are incredible. Light, airy, intense, screech-y, gentle, soothing, full, desperate, angry, despairing—this song has the perfect range of vocal expression that I need.

There's a crack in my soul

You thought it was a smile

All the lyrics in this song are great, I love the silver bullet metaphor, but these lyrics are most relatable to me. When I open up to people, whether it's just about how my commute to work was affected by the rain, or something about my personality or history that is truly deep and dark and hidden, I always feel so scared, as if my mere existence is a crime and I can't let anybody else know that I am here, living and breathing. This shame is the crack in my soul. But I'll open up to people and they'll respond like I'm a normal person, like I haven't done anything wrong at all, and they are mistaking this crack for a smile. Maybe they think it's a bit lopsided or forced or unnatural on me, but they still think I'm smiling, that I'm kind. Even though this is so touching... I can't help but feel, deep in my chest, that my soul is just broken and everybody keeps misreading it because they're such good people that they would never assume they are talking to the most terrible person to exist.

I was listening to this song with a friend recently (literally my only friend, don't be confused), and he was like, "There's something about singing 'purity' over and over again in such a demented way..." and I thought, Oh, yes. Oh, yes. This is the type of stuff I feed off of.

I do think this song has something to do with hating the idea or culture of purity. After, There's something in you I despise, he immediately sobs "purity" again and again until it just turns into the most impure, demonic scream I've ever heard. He despises your purity, because he'll never be that way again, because it's all been taken from him. Perhaps he wishes he could be out of this metaphorical dog kennel, the place all filthy misbehaved people are shoved into, and be pure like everybody else. But he's realising that purity is a joke, a type of torture—there's knowledge in this new pain of being shunned by society for his impurities, and it's that he can't empathise with other people anymore (You all stare, but you'll never see, separating himself from everyone else, showing that he believes they are dangerous and the only one he can trust is himself) because they won't help him unless he becomes something he isn't.

This has been my favourite song for years, but now that I have this page, it deserves a place here :D

A song that brings tears to my eyes because it feels as though they're probing into my core... my humanity, and telling me to be strong and complete what needs to be done in my life. I think it is about how people who seem crazy, drunk, or don't conform to society, often actually have great wisdom about what it means to have a "good" life where everything is okay, from their time being outside of it. Some people who haven't experienced hardship want big things from life, but people who have had to live their life with no shelter, no family, no friends, relying on a bottle of liquor to stay in a good mood and keep themselves afloat, may just want authentic happiness, or for someone to smile at them... just the simplest things that most people take for granted. And the funny thing is that a lot of people can actually be more mentally healthy when they live a poorer lifestyle but have supportive friends and family, than they would be if they had the biggest house in the world but nobody to talk to.

We slips into the bedroom

Babe, you know me, this is alright

Holdings, we'll make some

Will sustain us through the night

Inside my bedroom, baby, touch me

Oh, tonight

Poses, we'll make some

Will reveal our sense of right

There are sexy bands, like She Wants Revenge, and cute bands, like The Walters... but Interpol is one of the most romantic bands I've ever had the pleasure of listening to. It's a type of intimate romance, like taking care of somebody who is unwell, combined with the horny fantasies of a lonely or just very dreamy person, who is finally realising that someone is relying on them, needing them, loving them. I love every single one of their songs, even the demos. The sound of their guitars is the most beautiful I've ever heard, and Banks' voice is... super sexy. "Pioneer To The Falls" displays how powerful it can become... And, god, you can't find a baseline, a beat, that is comparable to the one in this song.

Hey, pig

Nothing's turning out the way I planned

Hey, pig

There's a lot of things I hoped you could help me understand

What am I supposed to do?

I lost my shit because of you

I've always gotten a really messed-up (and probably childish) joy from having people blame me for things that aren't my fault. There's a sort of intimacy I feel with myself when it happens. And I don't like correcting people when they have misconceptions about me unless it's really going to affect my life. It's not like I understand myself, either. But anyway... this song satisfies that desire in me, to have someone say these things to me, when I am lost and confused and have no idea what they're talking about; when I'm just a victim of circumstance and have all the power to submit and correct someone else's wrongdoings, or to make the situation even worse. It's a pretty bad desire.

I don't know if it's a little bit conceited to feel like it's me saying the lines, "Go ahead and play dead / I know that you can hear this / Go ahead and play dead / Why can't you turn and face me?" but whether it is or not, I certaintly feel them. Perhaps I'm constantly misunderstanding something in my life... but I feel like so many people I know cannot confront me, they cannot or do not want to confront others, and they avoid avoid avoid so that I'm the only one left who is able to clean up their mess. Parental figures, people at work, past partners, and people who aren't even connected to me like world leaders. It seems unfair and a bit vain of me to think that I have enough power over them to tell them that they've disappointed me, and that they should muster up some courage to explain themselves to me but it does feel that way sometimes. I think it's because I don't actually want them to face me—I want them to face themselves/a bad decision they've made, and I am a product of that bad decision, or a mistake they've made that they never bothered to fix, let alone recognise. There's nobody better to tell them to stop playing dead than me, because I am exactly what they need to pay attention to. They need to see me. Whether that ends up in a fight or not... There's a point where being passive is just being willfully ignorant. And I'm always ready to fight people.

My favourite part of this song is at the end, when Martin Gore (I'm very sure it's him) starts making those wordless little hums. I also find this tune weirdly familiar, as well as "Judas"... I know they were very influenced by religious media so that similarity is there, but I just can't put my finger on why it sounds like I've heard this exact melody before, when I was a kid, maybe around Christmas time.

The lady whom I feel maternal love for

Cannot look me in the eyes

But I see hers and they are blue

And they cock and twist and masturbate...

Perfect lyrics. The last line is of course very dirty but I think, to complicate things which I am so prone to doing, it's saying, Her eyes cock like a gun ready to shoot; they twist and contort because she is gruesome and you can see it in her face; they masturbate because she only seeks her own pleasure and that's why I'm stuck with this life.

This song sounds like a combination of every song I've ever heard before, but in the way that it came before all of those songs and every song since then has just been pulling out pieces of this one, both because of its pure sounds but also the emotions that the lyrics evoke.

In a similar vein to Pug, this song suits any situation where you are far away from love and connection. I hear people say this song is creepy... but I feel like that's sort of the point. Not only to capture the realism of being a rockstar - since a good portion of Weezer fans back then would have been teenage girls - and I can't imagine he would write "you are a 27-year-old woman from America who speaks perfect English when she writes me love letters" or "you are a 20-year-old man who writes me letters" and expect people to sympathise with him or even pay any "good" attention to it at all. The point of the song is that engaging with the people who are constantly, desperately wanting to engage with him is wrong, and he hates that. He just wants normal, intimate love, but nobody is offering that to him. He's being offered people who don't speak his language, people he'll have to be the caretaker for; people who will bring judgement, people who remind him of his own problems, people who are just obsessed with their obsession with him and will leave once he shows his humanity. And there's definitely something to say about how the attention of a younger person is always seemingly more valuable than the attention of someone older and with more wisdom & maturity. It kind of implies that you are the more wise & mature one, and makes even more people respect you. But here, it's used to show futility and how pathetic he feels. Nothing about this song is glamorising anything bad.

I loooove Garbage. Just love them. I think this entire album is perfect. Her voice is just fucking amazing and the instruments are perfect. Anyway, those are my emotional biases, but something I also find cool about this song is the idea of needing to desperately pour your love into something to prove to yourself that you're a good person who can still love properly. Because there's the common fear of being unlovable, feeling like nobody is going to love you, etc. but I rarely hear media discussing the opposite: the fear of being incapable of loving something else. I had this fear for a long time. I was frightened of animals because I thought that any attempt I would make to show how I loved them would somehow end up hurting them, or making them scared, and consequently I'd end up not only with this innocent, beautiful creature fearing me but also my peers thinking that I am a monster, while having no evidence against it and therefore no right to say, "No, I'm not a monster!"

So, I enjoy this song for the idea of keeping the objects belonging to someone you love in a box, and not letting your affection out to avoid any trouble it may cause, for you or them. I also don't know much about music theory, so I don't know what note makes it sound this way, but the guitar holds a really nostalgiac sound. The rising and falling of the guitar in the chorus is really nice too—it might be grumbling or groaning, or mourning a time when Manson was stable and didn't have all these fears that make her feel like she's constantly rewinding or circling over the same ground, trying to find something to make her happy.

I also find the third verse interesting. "Between these walls and darkened halls, I've done my time / If I should die before I wake, then you'll know why." This sounds like it's being sung from the perspective of the charms in the box. "Darkened walls" implies that they used to be light, like the box used to be open. But for whatever reason, the charms in this box have been abandoned as Manson moves on to something else, or sinks back into a depression and cannot provide love or care to anything at the moment. I also can't shake the idea (probably a common idea in the Garbage fandom (a fandom I am unacquainted with and which may not even exist)) that this song is about an ex, which I can see. But, as per usual, I do prefer the themes of self-hatred and self-love, because I feel like those are the core things that affect everyone's reactions to everything.

I love all the lyrics to this song, and the passion, and the intended meaning. It is incredibly strong and I believe it should be one of Foster the People's most popular songs. But, as per usual, I'm going to highlight a few lyrics that I found some more meaning in for myself and talk about it.

For you and I, I will breathe in

All the truth I can stomach

If it keeps you alive

It's a bit embarrassing for me to admit, but I used to have a lot of anxiety around one of my favourite friends being more outgoing than me, even while making zero effort to be more outgoing myself. I loved hearing her stories about what she got up to on the weekend, the people she's met, etc., but some days I felt incredibly depressed and insecure, and would only think to myself, Does this mean that you don't like me, because I haven't done those fun things with you too? I wish you would stop seeing those friends and just see me. Am I not good enough? And generally just being really accusatory and cold and pushing her away. It was really terrible, not only for me (because obviously I didn't want to be feeling those things for someone I loved and who loved me), but for my friend, because (again, obviously) she wanted me to listen to her and support her and have a good time with her—not my insecurities. She's not saying these things to compare me to her other friends, or to put me down; she's sharing her story with me because clearly she thinks I'm worthy of hearing it. Why else would she be friends with me? So these lyrics I relate to, and I think it's a beautiful way of putting it—when I got a hold of my insecurities, I was putting my selfishness aside to listen and support someone I loved, because I wanted them to stay around, stay alive, and share their life with me. I will take in all the painful truths that I can stomach if it means you can be alive with me.

My worth doesn't depend on someone else wanting me—it depends on me wanting myself. Me making no effort at all to be like someone I was envious of, is because I didn't honestly want to be outgoing like her. I might've fantasised about being her, having her life and all her skills and knowledge and just being anything instead of this vacant, lonely, emotionally volatile thing that is so easily disposable to other people even when I work my ass off to be included in their lives—but that's just it. What I was really after was all the love and support that she got, without even having to work for it. Yes, she was outgoing and fun and playful and had all these good traits, but most importantly, she was always wanted everywhere she went. I didn't want to be outgoing like her—I wanted to be wanted like her. That's the core of it. And I don't really know what to do with that information besides want myself even harder.

I would break you

Before I let you

Fall into the blind

I love these lyrics too. It gives me the sense of a character who is like... If anyone's going to hurt you, it's going to be me, because at least you'll always have someone by your side instead of becoming completely lost in a world full of people who don't care about you the way I do.

Many, many Tori Amos songs will make it here in the future, I can guarantee that—but I've just been listening to her a lot more lately and this song in particular is just reminding me of something very important that I haven't quite figured out yet: people-pleasing and self-sacrifice is selfish. Nobody wants to like you; yet you are still trying to force them to. That doesn't mean they don't like you. It just means that they aren't always expecting you to impress them, or intrigue them, or love them.

Maybe you are after suffering, because you think that you're only worthy of love or existence in general once you've experienced pain. And one day you'll get it. The pain will feel great. You'll feel useful, and worthy, and sadistic people will love you because you've hurt yourself for them. But you will always be in pain. No matter how much love you get in return, smiling will always feel like stretching a muscle you've never used before, your belongings will always be marked by someone else, trying to talk about your personal feelings will turn into wordless sobbing, and every time someone touches you you'll be wondering when the warmth will leave. And you're just going to feel like your chest—your whole body, really—is an empty hole. Forever. You cry and tears run through it like it's a tunnel and your clothes are wet and you try to curl over to stop the tears from flowing but there's just nothing there to hold onto, nothing to protect. You are made of nothing, let alone a human body.

I think the stupidest thing you can do in your life is be a people-pleaser. It's not just unhealthy. It's frustratingly, horrifically stupid, the same way that drunk driving with a child in the car is stupid. And it pisses me off when I encounter a people-pleaser in my life; I can sense their desperation and I don't want them around me. People-pleasers have hurt my soul more than genuinely abusive people have. But it's one of the hardest things to do to unlearn those habits.

I feel like this song, while of course it's describing the relieving feeling of letting your guard down, learning to trust people and to trust yourself, accepting that some people do love and care for you - it also shows that once you've been caught in that guarded, misanthropic mindset for so long, it can be hard to imagine that there is a middle-ground between staying that way or being the most naive, hopeful, head-in-the-clouds type of person. I think this is because when you are that skeptical person, you are more prone to judging other people and making up extreme, rigid categories for them - someone who might only express physical affection to their partner becomes in your mind someone who is physically affectionate with everyone, making them silly and unaware and inappropriate, when they could actually be just as cold as you sometimes. You just want an excuse to feel good about yourself and be better than the person you wish you were, so that you don't have to make the effort to become them. This lack of effort is also characteristic, I think, of skepticism. It's easy to disregard the nuances of something when you believe none of it has any meaning or truth.

Anyway, back to the two extremes. It's either fear and loathing and isolation, or floating on a cloud of euphoria and feeling like you're manically about to "touch the edge of greatness". This mania might also come about because you have never experienced that safety before, so it feels magical and unique; you end up feeling it ten times more than the average person because everything about it is new to you. It's childlike wonder and primal hesitancy. It shows that Electra Heart still has a long road ahead of her where she must swing between these extremes before the pendulum slows... and she ends up in the middle, perfectly balanced.

Another thing to note, and what I find what makes this song so sad, is that it sounds like a dream. The rhythm is soft and slow, her voice sounds mournful, there is a lot of humming in the background that sounds like an ancestral song of comfort, and there's an echo-y quality to it and the soundscape that gives me the feeling of being in an empty bathroom or pool room. Liminal, dream-like, wistful.

Tori Amos's music is both gentle and aggressive—the way she plays piano is metal and fiery, and her voice is shrill and operatic and beautiful; it is all just overflowing with passion. "Winter", particularly this performance of it, showcases her magnetic stage presence and every miniscule expression on her face as she sings and plays; you can see the song moving through her whole body, or maybe she is moving through the song. Her fingers are literally skating across the keys, and she makes every flurry of notes after each line sound like leaves fluttering in the breeze, or music in the end credits of a movie, signalling the changing of seasons despite her wanting to remain in winter.

I also find this song so perfect due to the way it continues with a theme from the Little Earthquakes album - looking back on moments from her life, or ways she used to be, and revisiting them now that she has changed and knows better. She just wants to go back for old times' sake, commemorate her past self and remember her blissful naivety while also being able to point out how absurd, silly and just sad some of it was. And the ironic thing is—it seems as if she's been grieving her younger self's inability to perform and create, despite always wanting to do it, and now she is using that very experience to make the beautiful, genius music she always wanted to make. Without struggle... there is no greatness.

Hair is grey and the fires are burning

So many dreams on the shelf

You say, "I wanted you to be proud of me"

I always wanted that myself

Those last two lines almost sound bitter when she sings them. Her voice swells with emotion, becomes almost teary and throaty like she's holding back a sob, but then she quiets down. It's as if her father's desire to make her proud of him, was putting pressure on her as well, because he was basing his esteem on how good of a parent he could be and she, being an adoring daughter, obviously wanted to make him believe that he was. But really all she wanted was to be proud of herself, not proud of him. She spent her entire life relying on her father's love to give her confidence, self-love, self-esteem—but now she is realising that that was more about uplifting him than her, and now that he's gone, all she's left with is a cold, empty void in her heart, and no clue how to love herself, because he never taught her that. "All the white horses have gone ahead," signals this perfectly. All her hope has departed, winter is fading, and she is left desperately trying to catch up to her peers who all appear to feel the self-love and sense of identity that she is just absolutely lost by.

Happiest song in the world. Even when nothing is going right.

Oh, I want life

Life wants me

To breathe in its love

This song is like ear cocaine. I've always known what this song was about - it's pretty hard to misinterpret, XD. but even despite the meaning, this singer's voice is beautiful and the song flows so well; it's structured almost too perfectly. Usually there is some element of struggle or tension in the music I listen to... not this one. This is purely for an artificial kick of happiness.

For the majority of my teen years, I was obsessed with this song. One listen to the lyrics, "Desire me so deeply / Drain and kick me hard / Whisper secrets for me / Try to go too far" had me absolutely melting every time it came on, giving any excuse to shut the world out so I could fully experience it over and over again. The beat of this song, especially after the 3-minute mark, goes from a rhythm that sounds like constant reaching or grasping at something far away (it sounds, along with his voice, like broken radio static; looking for a signal to be heard with), to what sounds like a heartbeat. A pulse. Two drum beats, one a little weaker than the other, like, ba-dum, ba-dum. It just awakens every bit of passion inside me. It's like the singer has come back to life, and reclaimed their spot with the other person. They made it.

I also find that this song is very fitting for a long-distance relationship, or when (like I was) you find yourself stranded in another country, with no friends, no supportive family, silently begging that your friends back at home will save your place in their life and not forget you.

Today's gonna feel like tomorrow, someday

Tomorrow's gonna feel like yesterday

(This world is opening up)

(This world is opening up)

Today's gonna feel like tomorrow, someday

Tomorrow's gonna feel like yesterday

I originally had this song saved in Franny's playlist because it seemed like the model song for his backstory. In general, it was too perfect to ignore - I mean, a song called Mother, My Body Disgusts Me that begins with the line, "Mother, don't come near me"? Perfect. It's as if he has realised that his mother was the source of his pain, and has gained freedom from knowing that he isn't truly, inherently disgusting - it was all an illusion! An illusion that she caused! But since the feelings still linger in his body since they have been running through it for so long, he utilises this newfound freedom to be a filthy pervert because all he knows is how to operate under that illusion. And there is no end, no comfort... just darkness, contempt, and disgust. "I need my greed, Mother" (I rely on the filth you've made me feel), "I need your dirty hands on me" (all I can do now is want it, because it is never going away).

The repetition is what really calms me about this song, second to the lyrics. Every strum of the guitar reminds you that the pain you're hearing now is what has already been and always will be embedded in your body, no matter where you are in life now. The shame of it steadily creeps forward with time and only fades away when you're temporarily well enough to ignore it, and then it hits you again with that dreadful noise of the guitar. It feels like a morbid sort of welcome. Yes... Come back to me. I'm the only thing that will never leave you. I am your only comfort, the only thing that understands what you have been through.

Of course "Mother" could refer to many things. But as someone who has a bit of problems regarding their literal mother, it hits me just right. It is the perfect expression of pain and self-disgust. Needing and craving the exact thing that hurt you, and hating yourself for that. "I hate my greed, Mother," "Mother, you disgust me."

This is not filth - this song is almost perfectly describing what love is.

There are a lot of Mother Mother songs that could go on this list. But I just like this verse because it's relatable.

All my life, oh, all my life

I hurt myself, and cut myself

Put myself through living hell

All so I could feel, what I felt

When you took me in, absolved my sins

With your flesh and skin, use your skin...

It is also relatable to me because I am the type of person who inwardly views everything as a competition and cannot rest until whatever suffering this competition puts me through has made me pure again. I don't even have to win or do a good job necessarily, I just have to have experienced it for myself. It's like I've got a fire inside of me - when I become so obsessed with its beauty and passion and unleash it, I burn myself and sometimes I burn others, but if I just focus it on the right spot—on a campfire or a cold dark fireplace with people sitting around waiting for warmth—it can do something great. However, the burning is also necessary. I'm so much happier when I become enraptured by the flames and cause myself problems, make bad decisions, than when I put a lid on it and wait for something else to make my life begin. I think burning myself is a constant, desperate act to prevent myself from becoming lost in the dark. At the slightest indication that my flame will be lost, I need to strengthen it in any way possible, even if that means hurting myself.

To add to the metaphor... When I'm in the dark, my solution is often to just set my surroundings on fire and deal with the damage later. It's only with people I love that I can let this feeling go, because I know that they either don't care if I'm "good enough" or will push me to use that fire in a safe and healthy way.

One of the best decisions I ever made in my life was googling "songs where vocalist cries real". It led me to Glassjaw, Foxing, Christian Death... and this song! It is rare to hear a vocalist refer to a "daddy" or "mommy" in their music, especially in a non-sexual way, but when it happens, it is amazing!!! Those wails, guttural sobs and the sound of the singer sucking saliva through his teeth, plus that one, "Daddy, I don't wanna be sick and disgusting!" I just can't get enough of that.

This song I enjoy because it sounds like they are making the guitar throw up. It is a disgusting song.

My world is unaffected

There is an exit here

I say it is and it's true

...

I went to God just to see

And I was looking at me, yeah

Saw Heaven and Hell were lies

When I'm God, everyone dies!

I repeat that first pre-chorus a lot when I need to feel peace. My world is unaffected. Your beliefs are yours; mine are mine. What I believe is not useless.

I was in love with this song from the first time I heard it—like every Depeche Mode song that comes into my life. The lyrics are almost childishly simplistic and Gahan's monotone voice in this song makes it hard to tell his mood—whether he's angry, disappointed, desperate, numb, sad, etc. But I find DM's simple lyrics incredibly charming and accessible. They're so basic that they tap into the barest parts of humanity and its desires. Also, I know this song is canonically about drugs—but I love to interpret it in terms of people letting each other down. If I was told, "Never let me down again," I'd be so stricken, frightened and ashamed, and snap into obedience, but I'd definitely be at least partly in awe.

I really want to talk about the point after the second chorus, when the synth begins to sound more "grand" and final as it increases in volume. Just before Martin Gore's vocals come in and Gahan is repeating "never let me down", it's like he's stuck in this disbelieving loop of you let me down, you let me down, neither of us can get over this and this is the end. However, the omission of "again" makes it feel like he's still trying to maintain that he hasn't been let down yet, he can still give the other person one more chance by telling them to never disappoint him—but the music video shows him literally stumbling and falling down. They have let him down. Or maybe he has let himself down, and is finally realising that he can't keep punishing the people he's with by expecting them to be perfect and keep him happy all the time. Because having someone expect something impossible of you is a punishment in itself... it shows they don't know you, or that they don't care to know you. A quick side note on what I wrote there: I believe that this idea is why I find the most "power" you can have over someone is through imagining them doing things that maybe they haven't even imagined themselves doing. The imagination is like the greatest source of power, because it is limitless. And secret. Meaning you can get away with anything so long as it is kept in your imagination.

The half-step in the "grand finale" section is also extremely potent, it feels like he is tripping over his memories with this person and coming up with positive, happy experiences, reasons why he should stay—but then the longer, darker drags of the synth are continually trying to bring him back down to reality.

I also love how Gore's lines are about the stars and the night—just deepens this sense that it's time to rest from his period of being high all the time. It is nighttime, this is his rest, this is it; he's done.

I know that Imagine Dragons are like, a joke now... but this song is not a joke and it makes me cry every time I hear it.

If I told you what I was, would you turn your back on me?

And if I seemed dangerous, would you be scared?

I get the feeling just because, everything I touch isn't dark enough

If this problem lies in me...

"Cross your fingers cause you might be my type."

I really like the sarcasm in this line, intentional or not. You've caught the attention of a sadist!! Which means you are gonna be taunted, teased and used all as a form of love, you pitiful thing.

I hope I should be so lucky...

Maybe it's ironic (and kind of silly, because why does me loving myself require full-fledged vanity?), but this song does help me remember to love myself. I heard the line "I'm the one who makes me so happy, and I want me all just for myself" and it hit me! Yes, I may hate myself a lot, but I'm also the only one who can make me happy. Nobody else's love has ever compared to those moments when all the love and attention I have to give, is given to myself. It's like I become emotionally invincible. I enjoy learning about myself, and getting along with myself, and leaving other people to be with myself. I want me in my life.

I have a theory that it's because I'm the only one who understands the full extent of my worthlessness, so I know I can trust myself when I find something beautiful about me. Everyone else has been blinded by this manipulation that just seems to be a feature of my existence, so of course I can't believe them when they say I'm nice or pretty or smart. They're under this ugly spell that I can't turn off, and none of them are able to look past it. But that's okay. Because I know what it's like to not be under that spell; I always will. When I leave people, I gain something - I gain my love. When I stay with people... I lose it.

These people are weird in here

And they're giving me the fear

Just because you know my name, doesn't mean you know my game

I look myself in the face and whisper, "I'm in the wrong place"

Is there more to lose than gain, if I go on my own again?