quick disclaimer: in the original version of the story, allo and mikkie had abilities, so that's why they refer to them as such. now, allo is just a cannibal and mikkie practices witchcraft - but anyway.
Mikkie was useful. She smelled good, she probably tasted good - Allo shuddered at the thought of sinking her teeth into the peachy flesh and tearing out chunks of meat, delusional from hunger - but most of all, she was able to stop Allo's ravenous fantasies.
Allo never thought that she'd find Mikkie again under such circumstances, let alone end up needing her in such a way.
But Mikkie was disgusted by Allo, wasn't she? What if Allo came begging for release every time she got hungry and eventually Mikkie just killed her? Well, she thought, her head in her hands, that wouldn't really be a bad thing.
The next day at school, Allo had caught a whiff of a strong metallic scent from the girl's bathrooms. Her shame almost ate her up as fast as she would have eaten the menstruating girl if she let herself - and so she pinched her nose and mouth shut and went to find Mikkie.
The blonde girl was hanging around the classroom still, even though they weren't allowed to eat in the building. She glanced at Allo, who was red in the face from humiliation and holding her breath, and raised an eyebrow.
"What? Do you need me to punch you or something?"
Allo didn't hesitate as she nodded desperately, thinking Mikkie would understand.
"That's disgusting," Mikkie said instead, but walked over to a shocked, trembling Allo anyway.
She grabbed Allo's wrist and yanked it away from her face; Allo's senses just about went haywire. The smell of blood and flesh and skin flooded her nostrils, and she parted her lips to taste the air - but before she could, Mikkie had knocked her into the wall with a fist.
The other girl let out a small grunt as the back of her head crashed against the wall, her eyes beginning to water. It was the first noise she'd made in all the times Mikkie had hurt her, and it made Mikkie's eyes widen.
"That hurts me too, you know," she said, rolling her wrist about, shaking her head. Her piercing eyes made contact with Allo's guarded ones, and she leaned forward. "Are you normal again?"
Allo covered her head with her hands and silently nodded. I'm so weak, she thought, squeezing her eyes shut. Every time I get punched I feel like fainting. It was true - blue and black spots covered her vision, made her head go fuzzy and her knees weak. Was she going to die? Just from a knock to the head?
Oh well. She'd better be ready.
As her body slid down to the ground, Mikkie's arms reached out before they could stop themselves, and they held Allo up under the armpits like she was some sort of animal.
"I thought you were normal again," Mikkie growled. "They aren't meant to hurt that much, you weakling."
She noticed Allo's body trembling. Was she scared or something? Her punches were meant to nullify abilities, not people... Mikkie's lip curled. What a baby.
"Hey," Mikkie said, gently shaking Allo's body. "I'll take you to the nurse. Stay awake, right?"
Allo wasn't sure she could. She was so weak...
"Seriously! I'll fucking beat you up this time. I keep saying I will but I never do and it's pissing me off."
All Allo could hear clearly was her heartbeat, the blood rushing in her ears, as Mikkie tried irritably to drag her to the nurse.
Is this what she had to go through every single time she got hungry? Would Mikkie just punch her, and then Allo would have to go to the nurse because she was so weak and childish and couldn't even take a hit?
She sobbed quietly.
"Great, you're awake. Now keep it that way."
Maybe she should let Mikkie beat her up. Maybe she would die, and then she wouldn't have to worry anymore.
It was kind of nice, anyway. The pain meant something, and it did something, and that was all Allo was after.
But eventually the punching escalated, as expected, probably. A week later, as Allo's injured chin was just about healed, Mikkie stalked up to her after school.
"Am I making you hungry?" She asked.
Of course she was. But Allo didn't want to be punched.
"Are you hungry now? Tell me you're hungry. Do I need to hit you?"
Allo shook her head quickly. "I'm - I'm going home," she said quietly, her fingers clenching around the straps of her bag.
"You've gotta be kidding me," Mikkie growled. "Doesn't my smell overwhelm you?"
"It - it does but -"
Mikkie's hands gripped Allo's shoulders so suddenly it made Allo reel backwards, but Mikkie held her in place. "I'm gonna make your hunger go away then, okay? No need to stutter."
Allo didn't have time to think as her face was knocked to the left, shoes crushed her toes and made her eyes water. Mikkie stalked forwards, making Allo automatically back up into the wall of the hallway - as her back hit the stone, Mikkie's hand wrapped around her throat.
"What are you - Mikkie -"
"My punches are worse on you!" She growled. "Why?" Her hand squeezed. Allo's face flushed two shades darker, she was wheezing desperately. "Do you not have an ability? Are you just a monster? Do I need to put you on your fucking deathbed?"
"L-let go, Mik -"
Allo's vision split into four. There were two Mikkies in front of her, two sets of those beautiful eyes, that furiously pained expression... Mikkie was just in pain... Suddenly, her windpipe was crushed completely and her arms flailed about in fear - if Mikkie didn't let go, she would die...
Did she really want to die?
Mikkie, she mouthed, her eyes almost popping out of her head.
Mikkie's eyes were red. She glared at Allo for a second, watching her as she began to lose consciousness. And then she took her hands away, letting Allo fall to the ground to catch her breath.
"Come back here tomorrow, same time," Mikkie spat.
Allo glanced up at her through wide, confused eyes. "Mikkie -"
"Just do what I say."
She sank into the floor. Mikkie walked away, her footsteps clunking on the concrete. Allo watched as Mikkie turned the corner left her sight, something in her heart wishing she would come back.
Why did Mikkie do that? Was she angry at Allo? Was she annoying her? Allo covered her mouth with a hand. What if Mikkie was trying to tell her to stop asking for help? But then... why did she tell her to meet her here again?
Allo didn't want to go. But she wanted to see Mikkie. But why did every one of their encounters involve Allo getting hurt? Why couldn't they get to know each other...?
Allo stood up, fixing her collar, and began to head home. If only Mikkie wasn't so cold...
Nexus grabbed Allo by the arm and gently guided her away from the bathroom, and Allo reluctantly followed.
"I'm so glad I could get to you in time," Nexus said, in that breathless whisper of hers. She looked down at Allo, who had a strange expression on her face. "What is it, Allo?" She asked. "Oh, right. I bet it hurts so. I'll take you to the nurse."
Allo quickly shook her head. "You don't understand," she said. She jerked her arm back, out of Nexus' grip.
"A-Allo? Um, did you want to go home instead...?"
"Mikkie is perfect."
Nexus blinked. "What?"
"You couldn't understand..." Allo breathed, and a shine suddenly filled her eyes, lit them up from behind and made them sparkle. "She's kind, she's cruel; she's gentle, yet aggressive; she's caring, she's cold; she's so strong yet so fragile -"
"She's got so little friends yet so many people surrounding her; she's stupid and she's smart; she's emotional, she's rational; she's in pain but she hides it with that beautiful snarl - she's -" Allo sighed, covering her blushing face with her hands. "She is perfect. Mikkie is perfect."
"But... Allo..." Nexus gently touched the bruises on Allo's arms and neck and the swelling on her chin, her fingers running along the other girl's skin. "She beats you up every day. She's going to kill you."
"I know," Allo whispered. "And I hope next time she makes me bleed, I hope she cuts me with her razor, I hope she lets me bleed out onto the floor of the bathrooms but right before I die I tackle her to the ground, rip her neck apart and sink my teeth into her soft flesh and finally -"
"Allo!" Nexus cried. She grabbed Allo's shoulders and shook her roughly. "What... You're scaring the hell out of me. I'm taking you to the nurse."
"No! Please let me stay. I want her to hurt me. I don't expect you to understand. I'm a different creature to you - but because of that I want her to hurt me. Please let me stay."
"No. You're obviously sick... you need help."
"No! That's impossible. I just love her. It's her fault she's perfect. She's the most perfect person to ever exist. I have to stay with her."
"Stop talking like that... let's go."
"Don't touch me!"
Nexus recoiled as Allo's hand whipped past her face. She stared at Allo with bright, shimmering eyes. "You're sick..." she whispered.
Allo was panting, though she wasn't sure why. "You'd never understand. Only I can see her beauty."
"Good... for you... I guess..."
And then Nexus ran.
little funny disclaimer. these things all end very randomly, but this one in particular 'cause i was gonna turn it into some twisted little smut afterwards. but anyway. this is just allo's raw venting and my self-indulgence.
And it all came back to the realisation that nothing she could do would ever fix her past. Nothing she did, ever, could let her redeem herself. She was so shameful. A horrible person, she was, she was terrible, she was evil, she couldn't even talk to anyone other than the girl who beat her up, and barely even her! Her eyes squeezed shut, sucking spit through gritted teeth as if she were in the most intense pain. As her body seemed to melt, to crack open and cry, her thoughts drifted back to Mikkie, and Darr, and in a fit of pain she bit into her lip.
Everyone around her seemed to fit. So why couldn't she? What held her back? Why didn't she crave the company of other people? Why did she desire to be alone even when she was talking to a person of whom she was rather fond? Why was she so alienated when everyone else got to find their "soulmates"? Why were people so overwhelming? What was wrong with her?
Allo slumped against the wall, her fists clenched. She wouldn't let a single tear roll down her face. She didn't deserve to pity herself - not after all the things she'd done. No. She would stand there, and endure this pain, and then go back to being the horrible person that she was. And then she would come here and beat herself up again, and tell herself that she deserved the pain, because she did, and so the cycle continues. Though maybe next time she'd try and get rid of herself once and for all. She had tried taking her own blood, but it never seemed to satisfy her, and if she wasn't satisfied - and so the cycle continues. Nothing was satisfying. Everything only made her more ashamed to even be in the presence of other people.
Humans were terrifying.
In her mind, an image of Mikkie suddenly flashed, all cloudy and dull. Allo's heart thudded, blood rushing through her ears. Mikkie would understand. Mikkie understood her. Mikkie could quench the thirst of her monster, Mikkie could hold her when she was sad, Mikkie could punch her when she deserved it. Mikkie could fix her, and Mikkie was the only one, the only one -
Her jaw started wobbling from trying to hold back her sobs. Mikkie, she thought, and cursed herself. She was being so irrational. She hated herself. Mikkie -
Suddenly, the door burst open.
Allo, curled forward on her bed, turned her head towards the light pouring in.
It was... Mikkie.
"What are -" Allo started, but her voice was incoherent and crackly from her silent sobbing, so she stopped. She'd forgotten that Mikkie had said she would come over soon.
She should be happy to see Mikkie, though, shouldn't she? Should she be feeling anything? If so, what? How was she meant to react?
Mikkie stepped forward, slowly, her face dark. "Hey," she said, her tone sounding slightly aggressive to the girl on the bed. She grabbed Allo's shoulder, shaking her, and Allo made a small, high-pitched noise, something of a squeal or a protest.
"What are you doing?"
Allo shrank into the shirt she was wearing, but Mikkie's hand jerked her shoulder back so that she could see Allo's face. "Thinking," Allo said, because it was true, for the most part.
Mikkie gazed down at her doubtfully. "Are you hungry?"
It was such a simple question. Allo shook her head.
"Oh. Right. I touched you." Mikkie ran a hand through her hair and then kneeled next to Allo on the bed, making the mattress creak. By the way she was fidgeting with her fingers, Allo thought she might be about to say something weird. It made Allo nervous herself.
"Seriously, Allo. Um... Asha..."
The other girl's eyes widened, her body tensing. She used my nickname? My nickname? Mikkie used my nickname? She wanted to ask to hear it again, but Mikkie had started talking.
"Listen. Right. I'm... I'm... sorry." Mikkie finished it with an deep, shuddering breath. Allo noticed how much she was trembling. "M-my actions are kind of... inexcusable. And I hurt you a lot. Like, a lot. And I know I can't ever... redeem myself, or anything, and that I'm a horrible person, and I should have never done it, but I'll never do anything to you again."
Allo's eyes started to well up. She'd been holding it in so well, but now, just because Mikkie was talking to her, she would start crying? But why was Mikkie describing to her the exact feelings she herself had? Her heart cramped lovingly. She knew Mikkie was the only one she could ever understand.
"Right. Yeah. Anyway. I - I thought I'd just apologise, anyway, because you're really - you're really sweet, and I think you'd forgive me, and you're kind of like me - shit! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to say that you're a horrible person, too, I just... You're... you're really..."
Mikkie, who had her fingers interlocked, wringing them nervously below her chin, blinked hard. "Huh?"
"It's okay... I know how you feel..." Allo said, and she smiled softly.
"Huh? Why're you crying? Shit! I just said I wouldn't hurt you again, and here I am -" Mikkie almost smashed her head into the wall, but Allo laid a hand on Mikkie's arm.
"No, it's not you... I'm just... really happy..." Allo whispered, and then she started sobbing.
"Huh? What? Allo - Asha -"
As soon as Allo heard her nickname, she started crying harder. She cried so hard her stomach churned and her throat ached, and all the while she knew it was happiness - or some mixture of happiness and sadness, the combination of wanting to disappear and finding someone who understood.
Mikkie looked down at Allo, curled into a rocking ball, with a hand hovering over the girl's back. She wanted to touch her so bad. But maybe she'd hurt Allo. Maybe Allo didn't want her to touch her. Why on earth did she say she was happy? Mikkie was the worst person in the world, the most shameful being to exist, while Allo -
"I'm a horrible person, too," Allo sobbed. "I think about her everyday. I think about what I did to her and what she became and I want to kill myself."
"So..." Mikkie gulped, her hovering hand starting to tremble. "You mean that you feel... shame... as well?"
Allo's hands crept from under her ball and latched around Mikkie's resting wrist. "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes."
"Would you stop that? It sounds like you're accepting a marriage proposal."
Allo laughed. "I don't care that you hurt me. It just made me like you more."
"Huh? But that's just stupid - Asha, you -"
"I don't care!" She looked up, and Mikkie's heart caught in her throat. "You said you didn't care about my past, and I don't care about yours. It doesn't matter that we'll never escape it, that we can never redeem ourselves, because we can stick together. We can stay together... and no one else will ever understand but us..."
Mikkie wanted to cry, perhaps for the first time in a very long time. She wanted to scream, but I can't stick with you, because you're the past that I am ashamed of! Every time I look at you I will be reminded of what I did to you and I can't live with that!
"Mikkie," Allo croaked, and she crept forward, so hesitantly, and slinked her arms around the blonde girl's waist, resting her head on her stomach.
Mikkie couldn't move. Allo was hugging her. Allo was crying, she was happy, and she was hugging her?! What on earth -
"I'm sorry," Allo said. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, if you don't like it you can shove me off, I won't care, I'll understand."
"I don't care," Mikkie said. "Um... do you remember when I used to call you a baby?"
She felt Allo nod.
"Right. Well. You're still a baby."
Allo hugged her tighter. And this time, Mikkie leant down and rested her arms on Allo's back in return. It was so warm - humans were so warm. And Allo was a kind of warm that suffocated her.
"Did you... want to stay the night?" Allo mumbled.
I had not done my homework. I had not eaten, I had not had a drink or spoken to anyone. I had collapsed with my headphones in and I thought of Mikkie until I got scared that she would somehow know that I was thinking about her, and then I fell asleep.
To my surprise and utter gratitude, the teacher was absent the next day and everyone seemed to be happy about it. I saw Mikkie sitting at the back of the class, staring into space with her brows furrowed, as if she were trying out telekinesis. I wondered if she'd done the homework; I wanted to see her at lunch, and tell her about my dream, and then as she got fed up and hit me I'd suddenly float away and deal with my body's injuries later. But Mikkie had been oddly gentle lately - touching me instead of grabbing me, looking at me instead of my forehead or my shoes. I wish I could touch her. My nose stung dully with the smell of her skin and all the vessels around me that contained what I needed the absolute most. I could really go batshit on everyone and then I'd come crawling back to Mikkie so she could hurt me like I deserved. And Mikkie would definitely understand if I did so. The both of us are... immoral. In our own ways.
Not to say that she isn't horrible. I used to cry whenever I'd see her in the hallways, and I don't know if she ever saw me but I would dart around the corner and bow my head and shove my headphones in hastily. If people thought I was crying because of what I was listening to - well, it would be easier to deal with than the real reason.
Anyway. At lunch, I did go see her. She was sitting alone, as she always did, but she had this air of purpose about her. As if Mikkie simply couldn't stand to be around other girls and made the conscious decision to separate herself from them - God, she was so cool. So perfect. I've never met anyone else who didn't mind being alone. Mikkie was perfect, perfect for me and so perfect that no one else would ever be able to understand.
I approached her side-on. My finger reached out and tapped her shoulder, and she turned her head slightly, her irritated aura slowly parting to make room for me. She patted the bench next to her and I slipped onto it, dropping my bag between my legs and looking at her wrists expectantly.
"You hungry or something?" She asked.
I loved her voice. Maybe I just loved the question, but if anyone else had asked it I would have paled with fear. I nodded, and she scoffed, and then her hand slinked around my arm and she guided me all the way to the bathrooms. The air seemed to sparkle. I couldn't hear anything but this muffled, watery pulse, saw nothing but the veins under the girl's skin. Drool filled my mouth, made my lips glisten and my head woozy.
She dragged me into a stall and locked it, and she sat me down on the toilet. I looked at her, waiting, and then she gave me her arm, sleeve rolled up. I felt her azure gaze on me, totally indecipherable, as I kneaded the flesh with my tongue and then bit and drank, finally, swallowing so fast I spluttered and felt her blood bubbling around my lips.
We didn't do this every day. Once a week, the thirst inside of me would suddenly show itself in my eyes and my lips and Mikkie would scowl at me and take me here. It was like a ritual. It didn't happen often, but I loved doing it, I relished being in this stinky bathroom stall with the dried-up blood of the other girls in the sanitary bins, and especially, especially, Mikkie's pale, soft flesh standing in front of me, ready to be bitten and had.
When I was done drinking, Mikkie took me by the hair and shoved my head against the wall, my stomach facing her and my eyes turned down to her shoes. I followed her guidance, stumbling silently. I watched with moths in my stomach her hand clench into a fist.
She told me to be quiet.
When I woke up the next morning, I noticed the dull ache in my stomach. I brought my arms up, still groggy and smelling of sleep, to gently trace the tiny cut on my jaw. And then the memories of it came flashing back to me in a sudden, watery wave.
Mikkie. I wanted to go to her house. When I eventually got out of bed, I brushed my hair with my fingers and didn't bother wearing anything other than the things I went to sleep in, because I knew Mikkie wouldn't care; in fact, I think she would have liked it. She had such strange, unusual desires and so did I; I was all too happy to fulfill them.
Her house was not far away by any means - she was across the road. I could trace her scent from the front door of my house. My nostrils flared.
"What are you doing here?" She asked me after I knocked on the big white door and waited. Her pale blonde hair was as bouncy as always, floating around her chin like a cloud, matching her light blue eyes like diamonds and rose gold. She was still in her bed-wear, I thought, because her eyelashes were heavy and her lips sank down and her singlet and shorts were all crumpled. She was cute like that. She looked like she tasted good.
I tilted my head. I said, "My stomach hurts," with a trace of guilt seeping into my voice. Mikkie's hand extended and I took it as she pulled me into her musky, metallic-scented house.
I told her I wanted to go to her bedroom, and her lip curled and she said mockingly that it was no secret that I was super perverted, and I blushed hard, fiddling with the hem of my shirt. But she took me there anyways. I thought she was perverted, too, because she looked cute and in my mind she did obscene things that made my stomach tingle. I wondered if she thought of me doing things like that.
Probably not. A part of me suddenly hitched whenever I thought of her reciprocating my desires, and I had to shut it down quickly, quickly, before she would see into my head and never talk to me again.
Mikkie's room was small and a pale peach, and the curtains were slightly transparent, letting a dim, comfortable amount of sunlight make her bed glow. She sat down on her bed, and I followed, and so we were positioned cross-legged across from each other.
I really wanted to touch her. It was an urge I got often, but sometimes, like this time, my stomach buzzed and my toes curled.
"Are you hungry?" Mikkie asked.
"No? Then why the hell'd you come over?" She squinted at me and then gave a disgusted smile. "Did the monster miss me?"
My stomach flipped sickeningly at the name. I nodded, even if she didn't want that answer, because it was true. I wanted to touch her.
A lump formed in my throat. "Mik... Mikkie," I said, my voice quiet. "Um..."
"Spit it out."
"I wanna..." My finger reached out I touched her shoulder, feeling the warmth bloom on my fingertip. Her pulse suddenly shot through me, screaming that it wanted to pulse into my mouth, down my throat, not stay under its vessel's skin. But I resisted the urge. I was not my monster.
"What the hell?" She grabbed my extended arm and flicked it with her finger, making me jerk. "Just say it."
I couldn't. I stretched my other arm out and grabbed at the hem of her shirt, pulling at it like the stupid baby I was.
"Fucker -" Mikkie spat at me, but didn't get to finish as I collapsed forward in her lap, my arms wrapped around her torso and my head resting comfortably on her stomach. It was so warm. The smell of blood filled the air all around me, made my skin tingle and my hair stand on end. Mikkie was on her period.
I felt her hand in my hair, scratching at my scalp. I knew she could do much worse, but for some reason she wasn't. I nestled my head into her further.
"You wanted a hug?" She said eventually, resting the hand in my hair. "You're such a baby."
I breathed hard through my nose, closing my eyes. "I'm sorry," I said quietly, because I was. I was always sorry. Guilt gnawed at me every second of every day, over the smallest things, over regrets from my years at elementary school and even now. Especially now.
"Stop fucking saying that," she said with a jerk of her hand. "If you were really sorry you'd go kill yourself already."
I made a noise of discontent, a sort of whine that my monster would release if it were really desperate. "Mikkie," I said.
There was no reply, but that usually meant that she was making room for me to talk. I loved her so much.
"At the Bone Circle," I whispered, "I got really scared. We had to kill a deer for the sacrifice, but it was so pretty that I couldn't kill it, and it kept looking at me with really big eyes..."
Mikkie scoffed. "You wimp, it's a deer. You could suck that thing dry in an hour." Her hand combed through my hair softly, and if I were a cat I would probably be purring. "You're like a deer, you know that? Whenever you look at something, it's as if it's caught you in the headlights."
"Is that good?"
"Well, I don't know. You decide, you're the one I'm talking about."
She always did that. She'd make an observation about me, and then I'd ask if it was good, good to her, and then she'd tell me that it was up to me whether it was "good" or not. She was so cool.
"Did you have any reason for coming here?"
I didn't really - I wanted to see her, to smell her, and now that I was here and she was on her period it seemed to be a warning that I should go. I'd never do such things to Mikkie.
"Mikkie," I said, rubbing my head into her hand, "hit me. I'm hungry."
"You're disgusting," she replied. She yanked me up by the hair and looked me in the eyes, something between hesitation and utter disgust swimming in her eyes; her hand met my throat, we greeted, the Circler and I, and I silently floated away as Mikkie slapped the monster inside of me.
I didn't know how I was meant to feel about her feelings towards my hunger; maybe I wasn't meant to feel anything at all. She seemed disgusted, and she most definitely was, but she still let me drink from her. She allowed me to curl up against her stomach while she was bleeding from between her legs. Her punches nullified the hunger - maybe she was confident that she would be able to hit me, to control me. I didn't understand her, but at the same time I felt as if she were the only human being I could understand.
And she understood me. Mikkie grabbed me under the armpits and lifted my torso up. I looked into her eyes because they were there, they were aggressive, they were soft. My eyes trailed to her lips, which were curled in a sort of confused snarl, and I wished desperately to touch them. I imagined pressing mine to hers, our mouths touching so that I could taste the inside of her as well as the outside -
"What the hell, Allo," Mikkie growled, and grabbed my face in her hands and brought her lips to my forehead. It was a quick action, so quick I might've thought it a figment of my imagination, but she seemed a little more irritable than usual afterwards.
"Mikkie?" I whispered, as she let me go and shoved my shoulder away.
"Shut up. You have a blood bath or something to take, right?"
Heat rushed into my cheeks as I watched her stand, eyes tracing the gracefulness of her feminine, pale limbs, so exposed. She had muscle, of course, but she was so fragile... I quickly shook my head. "Um, not really..." I said quietly. "My parents want to separate the deer... I think it'll be taking a blood bath instead of me."
Mikkie made a sound that almost sounded like a snort. "Ha, ha," she said then, deadpan. "Very funny." Her eyes snapped to me as she stood at the door. "I'll take you back. Come on."
"Of course I will, idiot." She held out her wrist, covered in bruises and scabs, and my eyes sparkled though my gut clenched with guilt. "And don't get ideas from this... hugging... you did. Right?"
I nodded. Hugging... she really mentioned it. And she'd put her lips on my forehead! They were so soft... I almost whined in front of her as I looked at her again. I didn't know it would be so addicting.